from an on-line class that I had signed up for months ago and am only now looking at. I love this quote and, again, if feels like Buddhist thought is crossing my path when I least expect it:
I will grow.
I will become something new and grand,
but no grander than I now am.
Just as the sky will be different in a few hours,
its present perfection and completeness
is not deficient, so am I presently perfect
and not deficient because
I will be different tomorrow.
--Wayne Dyer
It feels Buddhist to me in the thought that we already all have Buddha nature within us. Also, I've read (over and over) about not meditating in order to get something out of it-- not to be more calmer, not to be more focused, not to be more patient. Those things may happen, but that's not the point of meditating. This quote made me think of that for some reason. Maybe because meditating may help us achieve something new and grand, but that's just the nature of meditating-- not the goal. Hmm, I'm not making this very clear-- maybe because it's so nebulous in my own head. Anyway, somehow it seems tied. Ah, here's a potentially clarifying thought-- when I first heard how meditation helped mothers (particularly with being more patient with their kids), I thought this was something I really wanted in order for me to be a better mother. Striving for perfection maybe. But this quote (and Buddhism) reminds me that it's already within me.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Fortune
I mentioned in previous posts that I've been really struggling with eating mindfully. I count yesterday as a great day. First, I caught myself (so many times) wanting to eat because I was tired. I (mostly) withstood the internal chatter saying I needed food. Second, after my kids' dental appointments I went to the gym and worked out for half an hour while they stayed in the gym daycare. Since we were in town and it was getting late, we decided to eat out. We went to a Chinese Buffet that we like and I withstood the temptation of the "free" soda that comes with the buffet. And I didn't gorge on food. When we opened our fortune cookies, mine said something like "Life is full of choices. Today yours were good ones." It sort of felt like a "good on you" from the universe. I may have to frame the little thing (if I can find where I put it).
Monday, November 30, 2009
brain addendum
I found this article by the same person who wrote Buddha's Brain. Interesting and fairly quick read.
Meditation and the Brain
I'm feeling sad because our sangha is doing a class on Meditation and the Brain and I've missed 2 of the 4 sessions (including tonight's but I'll be going next week). But I'm excited about this topic and excited to learn that my local bookstore will soon be carrying a book on it.
In other news, I'm trying to listen to my body more and to eat mindfully. I find myself heading for food for such a variety of reasons-- most of which have nothing to do with being hungry! Today I struggled with not snacking most of the morning because I was tired. Yesterday I struggled because I was cold. If I have a headache, I think it must be due to low blood sugar and so I should probably eat. Eating is a remedy for me apparently. I get that this is going to be a long process for me and that I need to take little steps, but jeez.... It's frustrating that I notice that I'm not hungry but still eat anyway. Still, I realized today that I'm at least noticing that much. And when I do eat, I'm trying to only eat-- not eat at the computer or munch while reading. If the craving is really bad, I try to close my eyes and focus on the sensation of the food and how my body is feeling as I chew. Yesterday I noticed that I really only wanted a bite or two of something which felt like progress.
In other news, I'm trying to listen to my body more and to eat mindfully. I find myself heading for food for such a variety of reasons-- most of which have nothing to do with being hungry! Today I struggled with not snacking most of the morning because I was tired. Yesterday I struggled because I was cold. If I have a headache, I think it must be due to low blood sugar and so I should probably eat. Eating is a remedy for me apparently. I get that this is going to be a long process for me and that I need to take little steps, but jeez.... It's frustrating that I notice that I'm not hungry but still eat anyway. Still, I realized today that I'm at least noticing that much. And when I do eat, I'm trying to only eat-- not eat at the computer or munch while reading. If the craving is really bad, I try to close my eyes and focus on the sensation of the food and how my body is feeling as I chew. Yesterday I noticed that I really only wanted a bite or two of something which felt like progress.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Concentric Circles
It's interesting lately how things seem to be converging for me lately. I'm reading a parenting book (Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort) and find a sentence that says (I'm paraphrasing) "You are not your thoughts." At first I was resistant to this idea-- what are we if not our thoughts? And then I thought, this is sort of like the "no-self" idea in Buddhism. It's true, we're not our thoughts. Our thoughts change frequently or get stuck on something ridiculous (a song, a craving, a fantasy). And what I think today is different from what I thought yesterday or last week or years ago. I was excited to find this Buddhist concept in a parenting book and that the parenting book helped me along the path of understanding this concept.
In a similar vein, I find Buddhist teachings finding me in other areas of my life. I'm going back into therapy to deal once again with issues arising from being molested by my father when I was a child. This time my issue is my weight. When I was a kid, I used eating and weight to hide my body. In May, my family and I arrived back in Bozeman from a year long trip abroad. I'd lost a lot of weight. I felt good. People kept telling me I looked good. I felt attractive. I felt threatened. In two months, I gained about 15 pounds. Now I feel dumpy and lumpy. I know that gaining the weight is not all due to this defense mechanism I used as a kid, but at least some of it is. And I want to deal with it. I'm just realizing that I'm not my thoughts, I don't have to act on my cravings, and that I can be compassionate with myself. I'm hopeful that I can come to peace with myself over this issue. I don't need to lose weight, but I'd like to be healthy. I'd like to live in the now and not have past coping strategies dictate how I'll react to stress. And just as in meditation I find my attention diverting from my breath, I keep finding that I divert back to old habits. But just as I've learned in meditation to gently guide myself back to my breath, without reproach, I am trying to gently remind myself to live in the now. I am trying to change my actions from a place of self-love and acceptance and a focus on who I'd like to be than from a place of self-hate and disgust. I'm still not feeling comfortable in this body, but I'm more and more becoming aware of the automatic actions. I'm not always able to stop myself from eating senselessly, but I have been much more compassionate with myself. And that's been wonderful.
In a similar vein, I find Buddhist teachings finding me in other areas of my life. I'm going back into therapy to deal once again with issues arising from being molested by my father when I was a child. This time my issue is my weight. When I was a kid, I used eating and weight to hide my body. In May, my family and I arrived back in Bozeman from a year long trip abroad. I'd lost a lot of weight. I felt good. People kept telling me I looked good. I felt attractive. I felt threatened. In two months, I gained about 15 pounds. Now I feel dumpy and lumpy. I know that gaining the weight is not all due to this defense mechanism I used as a kid, but at least some of it is. And I want to deal with it. I'm just realizing that I'm not my thoughts, I don't have to act on my cravings, and that I can be compassionate with myself. I'm hopeful that I can come to peace with myself over this issue. I don't need to lose weight, but I'd like to be healthy. I'd like to live in the now and not have past coping strategies dictate how I'll react to stress. And just as in meditation I find my attention diverting from my breath, I keep finding that I divert back to old habits. But just as I've learned in meditation to gently guide myself back to my breath, without reproach, I am trying to gently remind myself to live in the now. I am trying to change my actions from a place of self-love and acceptance and a focus on who I'd like to be than from a place of self-hate and disgust. I'm still not feeling comfortable in this body, but I'm more and more becoming aware of the automatic actions. I'm not always able to stop myself from eating senselessly, but I have been much more compassionate with myself. And that's been wonderful.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Bodhisattava Vows
Beings are numberless, I vow to save them.One of the things that drew me to Buddhism is what I thought was the individualistic aspect of it. That is, it's up to each of us to work toward enlightenment. And while I understand that there is suffering in the world and part of being a compassionate person is trying to ease (if not end) suffering of others; I still have a hard time with the first line of this vow. I think it conjures up images of zealous missionaries to me.
Delusions are inexhaustible, I vow to end them.
Dharma gates are boundless, I vow to enter them.
Buddha's way is unsurpassable, I vow to become it.
That being said, I am starting to love the chanting. It felt a little strange to me at first, but I'm enjoying weaving my voice with the others in the group.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
no-death and the Genjo Koan
Our sangha/discussion group is having a class on the Genjo Koan written by Eihei Dogan in the 1200's. It's been pretty interesting. This week we discussed part 7, in particularly the part that says
But of more interest to me was the idea of no-death. Intellectually I think I can understand what Dogan is getting at. There is no death- there is only a series of moments. Or in accordance with the idea that there is no abiding self, so how can there be death? But emotionally I feel like, of course there's death. I believe in the cycle of life. You are born, you die. As with all things.
So I'm trying to discuss this with someone-- and the point gets made that we don't know what happens after death. And I concede that, but still this form as we know it "dies." Then the thought struck me, that we don't say a seed has died when the plant sprouts, yet that form has "ended." Likewise, we don't think of the caterpillar as dying, but rather transforming. So I feel like I've had some opening in my understanding of this concept.
It's weird because I'm coming to Buddhism after deciding that I was an athiest. And even though I truly believed that you died-- you don't go to heaven or hell-- I also believed that energy cannot be destroyed. So what happens to the energy that animates us? I still don't believe in heaven or hell, or even spirits really; but I do like the idea of our energy joining the cosmos. So in that sense, I can believe in the idea of no-death.
This being so, it is an established way in buddha-dharma to deny that birth turns into death. Accordingly, birth is understood as no-birth. It is an unshakeable teaching in Buddha's discourse that death does not turn into birth. Accordingly, death is understood as no-death.Our leader pointed out that birth and death doesn't necessarily have to mean of the body only. It can also mean birth and death of a thought, a craving, a moment. Still, we talked about this seeming to be at odds with the notion of reincarnation (which, frankly, I'm okay with since I don't believe in reincarnation). Apparently the Buddha was a bit elusive on the point of reincarnation. (This also makes me realize I need to read the original teachings.)
But of more interest to me was the idea of no-death. Intellectually I think I can understand what Dogan is getting at. There is no death- there is only a series of moments. Or in accordance with the idea that there is no abiding self, so how can there be death? But emotionally I feel like, of course there's death. I believe in the cycle of life. You are born, you die. As with all things.
So I'm trying to discuss this with someone-- and the point gets made that we don't know what happens after death. And I concede that, but still this form as we know it "dies." Then the thought struck me, that we don't say a seed has died when the plant sprouts, yet that form has "ended." Likewise, we don't think of the caterpillar as dying, but rather transforming. So I feel like I've had some opening in my understanding of this concept.
It's weird because I'm coming to Buddhism after deciding that I was an athiest. And even though I truly believed that you died-- you don't go to heaven or hell-- I also believed that energy cannot be destroyed. So what happens to the energy that animates us? I still don't believe in heaven or hell, or even spirits really; but I do like the idea of our energy joining the cosmos. So in that sense, I can believe in the idea of no-death.
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